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As vaccine rates rise, and we tiptoe towards herd immunity, the tensions we have held in our hearts begin to shift. For most people, polyamorous and monogamous alike, dating hasn’t been a safe or responsible thing for over a year. Now, though, people are beginning to gather. Of course, we still have to be careful. We are not past the need for masks and distancing, but we’re getting there. The world has possibility again.
Everything is in flux. Many people aren’t sure what things are going to look like, once the ground stops shifting. After a year of social distancing and small, or non-existent bubbles, many people have developed a fairly stable and predictable system. As much as people are straining at the bit to get back to the world, many of us are also surprised to find that we feel safe in those bubbles. The world outside is exciting, but it is also full of challenges, change, uncertainty.
Some people are frustrated with the interminable waiting — who can’t wait to break free and connect with as many people as they possibly can. Others are having a difficult time even imagining feeling safe amongst friends, much less strangers.
This past year has been traumatic, in so many ways. The constant threat of death and disease, the fight against police violence and systemic racism, the election and attempted coup, anti-masker bio-terrorists, climate change disasters, poverty, debt, loss of jobs and homes, the lack of access to medical care — watching friends and family, and hundreds of thousands of others in the US alone — millions, globally — die painful and terrifying deaths.
We are reeling, and we’re not out of the woods yet. We have no idea how the next year or two will play out. There are variants to think about, and places in the world that are in the midst of intense, deadly crisis. It will take time for us to find our equilibrium again.
This will have an effect on how we respond to this sense of hope and potential that the vaccines have given us. There is a lot on our minds right now, and that reverberates through our choices.
Some of us lost the Social Distancing lottery. We have been isolated, touch starved, and lonely — unable to date and make connections. Others were lucky enough to have partners to bubble with — able to lean into a sense of stability and warmth.
There are long-term, polyamorous folks who have been functionally monogamous or closed dynamics for over a year. For some, it’s been wonderful. They’ve gotten to deep dive into emotional and physical connection, to build and reinforce trust and dedication. They may have found a comfortable groove. It’s been simple, uncomplicated. They feel safe, and may be anxious about what comes next.
Others are stir-crazy. A year of isolation, frustration, and being kept in close quarters has led to resentment. People are struggling with depression, anxiety, fear. Some folks are finding that they’ve somehow become agoraphobic introverts since last year (or they already were, and actually really quite enjoyed being able to hide out without feeling judged or pressured).
There are folks who decided to open up their relationships, just in time for the pandemic to hit — people for whom polyamory has been a shining beacon on the hill, or a frightening, unknown threat. Sometimes, both, depending on the day. Over a year of thinking, planning, theorizing — waiting to be able to explore new connections. They are contemplating the shift from theory to reality, and wondering how this is actually going to work.
For partners who have been distanced from each other for this past year, doing their best to nurture and sustain their partnerships via text and video calls, the promise of being face-to-face (and body to body) again can be both thrilling and intimidating.
As the world opens up, and the potential for connection increases, many people are feeling just as apprehensive as they are excited. Sometimes more so.
There are ways to ease this transition — ways to connect authentically and warmly. Ways to continue to nurture and treasure the relationships we have been lucky enough to have through this time of isolation, ways of reconnecting with partners and friends that have been out of reach for so long, as well as building those new connections we may have longed for.
First, know that it is okay to feel uncertain. Cognitive dissonance is to be expected. Being able to accept our own emotional complexities is vital. We must be patient, both with ourselves, and others. We may be chafing at the bit to get out there and explore, while still needing to practice restraint. We, or our partners and families, may have logistical and safety needs that require us to continue isolating for the time being.
There is space for connection and adventure again, and we want to make our way into that space wisely, in as calm and rational a way as we can manage. Neither bricking up the doors and windows out of fear, nor running into the streets, licking doorknobs, and making out with hordes of strangers. Those potentials will return, but we still need to proceed with caution and care.
Mistakes will be made. Unexpected complications. Difficult transitions, and trauma responses. We have to have conversations with our partners about Covid safety, much as we do about sexual safety practices. Negotiations and conversations, self-work and introspection, care and restraint — we still have to behave like responsible, thoughtful adults if we hope to build and maintain good, healthy relationships.
Communication, patience, and self-awareness have to be priorities. There will be difficult things to navigate. Situations where one partner is full of trepidation, and another is clawing at the windows to go out and play. The lines between desire and need, personal boundaries and imposed rules, intertwined connection and codependency are often fuzzy and imperfect. At times of great upheaval, those lines can become even more permeable and confusing.
For those of us who have maintained or built close partnerships through this, there may be patterns of behavior that have to be looked at and adjusted. Functional monogamy and closed pods have been necessary and wonderful for many people, during this crisis. Dynamics may now be shifting back towards a more open format, and that can be both exciting and scary. The way we spend our time, the assumptions we have about our and our partners’ availability and behavior, the parts of our current relationship patterns that we want to continue to grow and nurture, and the parts that we may need to adjust — these can be challenging dynamics to work through.
Understanding and embracing the fact that we are all complicated beings, with our own needs, fears, and hopes, can help us to make space for those challenges. We can be patient with ourselves and with others. We can reach out to trusted friends, therapists, coaches, and our community. We don’t have to navigate these challenging times in isolation, even if we’ve gotten used to doing so over the past year or so.
Mostly, we need to be patient and loving, both towards ourselves, and the people we care about. Discomfort and uncertainty is not a death sentence. It’s part of a full, rich, and complex life. With intent and care, these challenges can be navigated in a healthy, sustainable, and joyful way.