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Something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently is the idea of safety in relationships. A common fear when embracing polyamory is the potential for heartbreak—the worry that our partners might find someone new and decide to leave us. This fear isn't exclusive to polyamory; it's a universal concern that touches all forms of relationships.
The illusion of safety often feels stronger in monogamous settings, where societal norms and expectations give us a sense of control and security. Unfortunately, this sense of safety is just that—an illusion. Human beings - life in general - are unpredictable. People change. They fall out of love. They change their minds. Over time, even the most loving, committed people may grow apart and find themselves no longer compatible.
All relationships involve risk and vulnerability. People often come to their relationships with wounds and fears, and we devise all kinds of dynamics in the hopes of protecting ourselves. We might choose to exert control over our partners, limiting behaviors, friendships, and access to people they find threatening. We might chose instead to isolate ourselves from others, keeping connections superficial in order to stay safe. Or we become so afraid of abandonment that we are willing to tolerate cruelty, abuse, joyless partnerships. We abandon their own needs, self-respect - even safety - in the hopes that we won’t be left.
We embrace patterns of behavior that are meant to keep us safe, but instead keep us locked in loneliness and fear. Of course we do. Heartbreak can be brutal. Loneliness can eat away at us. It makes sense that we would want to keep ourselves safe.
It doesn’t work that way, though. Making our choices based on fear does not make us safer, it only makes us smaller.
Love—by its very nature—entails risk. Monogamous or poly, we are not guaranteed love, and we are not guaranteed forever.
In fact, ultimately, we will experience loss and heartbreak eventually. Lifelong, joyful, healthy partnerships will inevitably end in loss. There is no protecting ourselves from that.
This can be freeing. If we accept that all relationships, even the most fulfilling ones, contain the potential for grief, we can stop making choices out of fear. The fear does not protect us. Fear keeps us locked in patterns that are not right for us.
Instead, we can choose to love more authentically and courageously. We can choose to be the most whole and complete version of ourselves that we can be, and make the choices that speak the clearest in our hearts.
It’s important to note: none of this is meant to promote polyamory over monogamy or suggesting that one path is superior. It's about encouraging choices based on hope, wisdom, bravery, and our ideals, rather than the fear of loss.
We can’t keep ourselves from grief, ultimately. What we can do, is stay as closely in alignment with our values - mind and heart - as we can. We can do the best we can with the tools and information we have. We can work to be the best versions of ourselves that we can. We can learn to set, maintain, and respect healthy boundaries - our own and those of others. We can put our effort into building healthy, honest, sustainable relationships with people that are in alignment with our needs, desires, and ethics.
And we can accept the inherent vulnerability of love.
So, while I can't offer guarantees against heartbreak or assure you that embracing polyamory—or any form of relationship—will be free from challenges, I can encourage you to make decisions based on hope and courage.
Fear, while a natural part of the human experience, should not dictate the course of our lives or the depth of our connections.
The alternative to risking heartbreak is not safety, but a smaller, less vibrant life. We honor ourselves and the people in our lives by being brave and honest in our choices.
The beauty of love is worth the vulnerability it demands.