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Getting to know a new romantic partner is a wonderful, exciting experience. We get butterflies in our stomachs. It’s often an emotional rollercoaster of excitement, uncertainty, hope, and fear. We can become distracted and hyper focused on this new person in our lives. We can fall into a state of anxiety, celebration — even obsession.
That bouncing excitement — and the occasional bout of nerve-induced nausea — are part of what we call New Relationship Energy — NRE, for short.
People often talk about NRE as though it is some kind of gold-standard of relationship joy. Our cultural mythology tells us that those feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, obsession — those butterflies of excitement and fear are the indicators of real “love”. Comfort, contentment, and ease within a relationship — particularly in popular media — are often devalued. We seem to mistake contentment for boredom.
What a sorry way to view our long-term connections. Feeling safe and seen by someone we know and value is not “boring”. It is a miracle — something to be treasured and nurtured and valued.
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Now, it’s true that NRE can be a beautiful, heady, thrilling thing. Being lucky enough to meet someone wonderful is something to be celebrated whole-heartedly. It is so lovely to revel in the experience of someone new and unique in our lives.
Still, no matter how exciting a person may be — no matter how special and important this new connection may feel — we cannot let ourselves become so myopic that we abandon or diminish the value of our other connections. NRE is intoxicating, but it is not some kind of drug or hypnotic trance that makes it impossible to show up as a partner and friend.
NRE is not something that justifies being cold, or neglectful towards our previously existing relationships — not if we want to keep those relationships, that is.
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I hear this come up too often and it breaks my heart: Conscientious and thoughtful people, trying to be supportive and encouraging of their partner’s new relationships — struggling to accept being neglected and devalued.
As though they should expect to be taken for granted, once someone new and shiny comes along.
That’s not how relationships are supposed to work. That’s not what love is supposed to look like.
Why would we want to be in a relationship with someone who gets bored or neglectful of us after a year (or twenty). If we are not actively engaged with each other, if we are not priorities in each other’s lives, then what are we doing with each other?
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If we don’t want to cause unbearable hurt to the people we love, polyamorous people must be able to emotionally multi-task. We must be able to be consistently present and loving to the people in our lives. We have to be able to maintain our level of interest and engagement with our existing partnerships — even while in the midst of intoxicating and thrilling New Relationship Energy.
Anything less than that, and polyamorous relationships become a slow, inevitable slide into obsolescence and loneliness.
If you are inclined to lose yourself in new relationships, you may have some real self-work to do before diving into new connections. Depending on how serious an issue this is, you may need to reevaluate whether healthy polyamory is something you are capable of sustaining.
We all have to be careful to operate within our personal capacity. Some people may be able to maintain healthy connections with many people. Others may be more suited for a smaller number of relationships. We each have a personal responsibility to make healthy choices in how we proceed with new relationships.
Compulsive, serial polyamory — jumping from NRE to NRE — can be fun, for the person doing the jumping. It’s not sustainable, responsible, or healthy, though. We cannot treat people like toys to be collected and left on the shelf once the next shiny thing comes along.
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Being a good poly partner does not require you to stop having emotional needs. We all want partnerships with people that are capable of consistently treasuring and valuing us, regardless of how lovely their other partners may be. We do not have to tolerate or accept being deprioritized or put on the back-burner.
Without going too far into the Established Relationship energy vs New relationship energy conversation — we’ll tackle that later — I’ll just say: New Relationship Energy is a starter. It’s a warm up. It’s not the be-all-end-all of relationship goals. It’s a stepping stone to something more. Something lasting and vital.
Don’t mistake NRE for the end goal.
You can get excited. You can revel in discovering this new, wonderful person. But don’t forget that your preexisting relationships are also important.
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If you find yourself falling into an NRE fugue, use that energy. Be intentional with it.
It can be easy, over the years, to fall into patterns. To take each other for granted. Let that new, vital energy remind you of what it feels like to be truly present. To woo and court and flirt. Indulge in that joy with your new partner, while also remembering to value and show up for your wonderful, loving, long-term partnerships with similar passion and focus.
Don’t take your partnerships for granted, no matter how safe, established, and solid they may feel. These are the people that have stuck around. The ones with whom we have built safety, and mutual regard. The ones we know, and who know us. These are the people that show up, that we trust, these are the people with whom we have real history with. Value and respect that.
If you want them to stick around, that is. No one deserves or wants to be in a relationship where they are devalued or neglected.
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If you start a relationship with someone who begins to neglect their established partnerships because they are just so into you, don’t take that as a compliment.
It’s a warning sign. It doesn’t matter how unique, beautiful, or special you may be. The way they treat their established partnerships is the way they will eventually treat you.
If they neglect or abuse the people in their lives, or become resentful or frustrated when you continue to give love and care to your other relationships, know that this is not safe, sustainable, or healthy. Control, isolation, and the diminishment of other connections — romantic or platonic — are not signs of love. They are indicators that this person lacks the capacity to nurture and respect the people in their lives, and yours.
These kinds of behaviors can indicate a profound lack of safety, perspective, and integrity.
Look for people that show up consistently- people that treat the people in their lives — including you — with care, kindness, and intention. Look for the people who happily and consistently make time and space for the people in their lives. Look for the people that speak highly of their other connections. The ones that are happy and supportive when they hear about your loved ones, too.
For polyamorous folks, the existence of long term, healthy, joyful partnerships is a feature, not a bug.
You can learn a lot about your potential partner by observing how they treat their preexisting partnerships. If you wouldn’t want to be in the other partner’s shoes, don’t set yourself up for it. It will be your turn eventually.
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Monogamy culture often sets the expectation that new romantic partnerships are likely to supplant and devalue everything and everyone else in one’s life. New relationships often lead to neglecting and sidelining other friendships, hobbies, self-care, family, work, etc. People in romantic partnerships often lose track of themselves and the people they care about. This is not only common, it’s actually romanticized. This often goes very poorly for everyone involved — even for the devoutly monogamous. For polyamorous people, though, this is a devastating and unsustainable dynamic.
Being polyamorous does not require us to accept a life without deep love, commitment, and stability (if that’s what we are looking for), nor does it promise us a life of unfettered, thoughtless indulgence. Polyamory requires healthy boundaries, self-awareness, personal responsibility, and intentionality. We have to show up for each other, consistently and kindly.
NRE is wonderful. Love it. Indulge in it. Celebrate it.
But be wise, too. Love, celebrate, and indulge in the incomparable joy of Established Relationship Energy.
The richness and beauty of our long term partnerships is rare, special, and worth our time and attention. We must continue honor, nurture, and value the loves that stay with us, growing and evolving over the years.